Being Strong-Prolouge to Sessions Series
by Jozzy
Summary: set after Zero Tolerance
1. Default Chapter

Author: Jozzy

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, this piece was made for fun and not to make any kind of money.

Spoilers: After Operation Zero Tolerance

Being Strong

I don't know when it happened exactly. That point were I crossed that line from a child to a woman. Sometime ago I looked up and was surprised. With the way I thought, what I thought. I was different than I remembered myself being. Though I don't know when I became an adult I do know why. Heartbreak. That sounds like such a lame reason. But you don't understand love the way I do. Maybe my way is screwed but its how I think.

You see when I was young, love was obedience. You loved your parents by following directions with out speaking out. I wasn't that Kind of girl and so I was constantly asked why I didn't love my parents. My mother was especially good at the guilt tripping. I wonder how many times I cried because of her.

Then my parents died and I lived on the streets. Where love was could get you killed, or pregnant, or a hundred other things. Once again love was mostly a one sided coin. I could love someone but they didn't love me back. With the exception of one phenominal friend. Who I think loved me, I know that I loved her.

Then I met someone who changed my perceptions all over again. At first I thought that subsurvience and worship would make him feel as strong as I thought I felt. It didn't work. So I became his partner, someone he could trust. That was affective but not in the way I wanted. He loved me I think but not the way I loved him.

Then he was gone, off with another. And I was once again thrust into new circumstance. Where love was the ability to forgive. To the point of being a rug, and everyone walked on me. I always forgave or I forgot. Not that forgivness is wrong, but like all things too much is bad.

Shortly after, IT happened. And love was the courage to die for someone else. I'd like to think that if I hadn't gotten away that I would be strong enough to keep quite. I did all the time that I was THERE and I still have kept quite. About the things that happened, about how I feel, about how I don't feel.

I can't keep it out of my mind at night. Dreams that are more like nightmares plague me and I want to scream. I thought about giving up, but I once promised to be strong for HIM. And I will, I will be a rock. So that if he finally sees me he'll know my love instantly. I'm just afraid that if he doesn't see me soon, all that will be left is this unfeeling shell.


	2. Sessions 1

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, Marvel does.

A/N: This is told by Jubilee to her therapist.

**********

Sessions Part 1: My Leaving the Xmen

This is wasn't how I pictured my life. When I was small I didn't tell my teachers I wanted to be a psychiatric patient. I never thought I'd regret my life. And for the most part I don't regret the life I've lived. I was a superhero, I helped people, fought the good fight. The bad didn't start happening until about two years ago. Funny how time flies. 

Two years ago I was the youngest member of the Xmen. A group of men and women fighting for mutant equality and a better world. Then IT happened. I was shipped off to this school.

Okay so maybe shipped off isn't the right way to say it. See Doc, about that time the place where I lived, The Xavier School for the Gifted, was being relocated to Massachusetts. It was a school for mutant children, I'd lived there for like three years. Well, I along with all the other gifted children were moved to with the school. 

I mean that's not so bad... It's just that I always thought of the Xmen as my family not just the teachers of my school. I was supposed to be on of them. Oh they said that it was for my own good. See at the Academy the new headmaster, Emma Frost, was putting together a band of teenage heroes. Scott, he's one of the Xmen, gave this talk about how I would learn how to be a real fighter there. 

Of course I didn't believe him! Doc, you don't know them like I know them. The only reason they shipped me to Massachusetts was so I wouldn't be in their way. Which is totally unfair by the way. I spent three whole years of my life protecting their asses and trying to help out, and they send me off like some reject.

But see Doc it wouldn't make me so mad if it weren't for Kitty. See Kitty is this stupid bitch that everyone is in love with. Kitty is _so_ great. That kind of thing. But she's also my age. No she is not an Xmen. She used to be and like me she was a kid when she joined. But you know what Doc, they let her go to this other group called X Force over in Europe. It's not the same Doc. They let Kitty go because they thought she was old enough to handle herself. They let me go because I was this little pest, a kid.

Everyone was the same. They all thought I was this airhead. Oh they liked me, my best friend, Wolverine, was an Xman. But it didn't change the fact they all thought that I was stupid. It's what everyone has always thought about me. I thought that they were different than the rest. But I was wrong all I was to them was a punk kid.

So I was off to join the toddlers in Massachusetts. You know people always say that looking back they aren't half as mad about the most of the bad things that happened to them. That they can see the importance of that event. Well Doc, I can honestly say that I still think that the Xmen, the people I once called my family, royally screwed me when they sent me away. It wasn't so bad at first, but ultimately it was I think the turning point in my life. The place were I slowly began my descent into the hell that is my life today.

To Be Continued...


	3. Sessions 2

Author: Jozzy

Title: Sessions 2

Summary: A look at Jubilee after the first session.

A/N: ##### shows the end of a scene.

Part 2

Jubilee stepped out of the doctor's office noticing the animal man sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting room. His head was bowed in sleep his muscular frame barely fit into the small chair. For a moment Jubilee's eyes softened at the funny picture he made, but then the hard expression that had been pressed on her face resurfaced.

Jubilee stood at the door her staring a hole into Wolverine, trying to decide whether she could slip away before he awoke. She quietly maneuvered across the room making for the door to the right of Logan. As she passed the sleeping figure a hand rushed out and caught her arm. He didn't squeeze, didn't have to. They both knew that there was no way she could get loose of him.

"Darlin' you know the rules. Ya can't leave the doc's office without one of us."

"Let go of me."

Wolverine tried to keep the flinch visible, but Jubilee saw anyway. A large smile crossed her face. Logan hated that the only time Jubilee smiled lately was when she caused him pain. It hurt a lot that Jubilee, who had once been his best friend, now received perverse pleasure in causing him emotional pain. There was no doubt in his mind that if she could have done any real harm Jubilee would have attacked him. The malice she seethed one of the main reasons they were here now.

"Why are YOU here. Jean usually picks me up."

"Jeanie was busy and I didn't have anything better to do-"

"So I was just a time filler."

"I didn't say that darlin'."

" But that's what you meant." Jubilee's eyes now blazed. " Just admit it Wolverine the only reason you're here now is cause your precious Jeanie asked you to."

Wolverine opened his mouth to protest," You know what Wolvie, forget I said anything. Just take me back to the prison."

With that Jubilee stalked out the door. Logan's head once again lowered his heart heavy at the way things between him and Jubilee.

######

Jubilee rushed through the door of her bedroom, her haven from the outside world. Or at least it had been, until the accident- then the camera had been installed. Jubilee had the choice of moving into a room with Rouge or getting a camera. Knowing that neither her nor Rouge wanted roommates she opted for the camera.

She hated that damn camera knowing that in down in the control room was a little television with her room on it. Which is why she had converted her closet into her get away spot.

After close surveillance Jubilee found out that the Xmen only checked the camera once every hour usually within the first fifteen minutes. In her closet she had an alarm clock that buzzed at the hour. At that time she would reenter her room and pretended to be doing something. It had kept them fooled for several weeks now.

In her closet Jubilee spent most of her time writing in her diary and drawing. A lot of the time her diary involved her feelings about the Xmen. Most of them not good. When she had told her doctor (they didn't call him her psychiatrist) about her diary. Sometimes she brought him exerts. She'd write it on a fresh sheet of paper so he couldn't read what else she had written. Sometimes he would say nothing others they would spend sessions talking about what she had written.

Once she brought in an entry about a dream she had. In it her hands were in chains hanging down from the ceiling. Her feet didn't touch the ground. The pain in her arms from holding her weight was horrible. Then the voices had begun. First her mother telling her what a disappointment she had been. Then Cyn Jen screaming at her for abandoning her to the streets; and finally Wolverine who did not yell, simply told her in a few short words that she had been nothing to him. How he had used her as a cheap substitute for Kitty. Jubilee began to cry and the tears started filling up the dark shadow of her dream. First at her ankles then her knees, until it reached her neck and she panicked. She screamed and screamed but no one appeared. The water covered her head and slowly the world went black. She opened her eyes only when her alarm clock sounded next to her bed.

When Jubilee had brought her this entry in. Doc (the only thing Jubilee would call him) had asked her to explain her relationships with those people. They had spent days working up to the point were Jubilee would actually talk to about anything. But finally it had begun in a round about way. Jubilee still refused to talk about the time before joining the Xmen, not for long periods. So she told him how she had met the Xmen, how she had come to be what she once believed to be close. And now she told how they had been torn apart. How she had discovered what she believed to be the truth, how she had discovered utter betrayal.


	4. Sessions 3

Author: Jozzy

Title: Sessions part 3

Disclaimers: I own nothing. Don't sue me please. : )

Authors Note: In this series Jubilee actually talks like she has a brain in her head, unlike she is portrayed in some fics. She uses big words and concepts. ( I'm just saying this because sometimes people will tell me that my Jubilee characters are not realistic. I don't agree. I choose to think that there is something more than air between Jubilee's ears.) : )

Warning: There are like Three curse words in here so look out.

Part3

I used to have a slight crush on him. Well I used to be in love with him, but every time I say that someone new tells me I'm too young to know what love is. Which by the way is total bullshit. I know what love is. 

Why do I think I love him? Well you know I spent allot of my life with him. I mean my life as a mutant superhero. I don't really think of my life before my parents death as my life. It was more like Hell. Anyway, I spent a lot of time with him. I admit that at first my feelings were more of a hero worship than actual love. But I matured and so did my feelings.

A lot of shit has happened to me over the years Doc. These things affected me, matured me. I am so not the kid that everyone thinks I am. I chose to pretend to be the way I am because deep down I wish that I could be one of those innocent kids I see on TV. I was never that way. I grew up in a place where childishness was not allowed. I had to grow up fast. And then I had to look after myself when my folks croaked. Meeting Wolvie, being part of the Xmen certainly matured me.

So me and Logan. When you know someone as well as I've known him. Four years in like actual numbers and about 30 on the emotional level. You develop a deep bond with them. Sometimes its just friendship like with me and Dameon. But sometimes its love, like with Logan.

I loved Logan for about a year. It was actually while I was away at the Academy that I fell for him. Weird that I would fall for him when he's gone. But then he was never there now was he?

Never mind.

You know Doc, I never really talked about this stuff with anybody. I mean usually when I have a problem I go to Wolvie; and since that won't happen anywhere in the near future, I've had no one to talk to lately.

Yeah me and LOGAN have stopped talking Doc. I mean get serious if I am this angry at him do you think that we would still be on speaking terms. Sometimes its so sad. He just walks into my room at night and looks at me. Its not like some weird thing or anything. I knows he is there and he knows I know. But we don't say anything.

I guess he misses being around me or something. 

Cause we both know that he doesn't talk to me while the sun is up.

Sometimes I want to say something to him. You know tell him not to be so sad. I've spent so much time taking care of Wolvie, even now when I hurt so much I don't want him to be unhappy.

I am such a wimp.

Duh its a bad thing. I'm mad at him. I'm not supposed to be sympathetic. I am supposed to hate his guts. He deserves the loneliness. 

Because that's what I felt on the streets. Before I met Dameon. You don't know what it was like, what I went through...

No Doc, I don't want to talk about that. Ask me something else.

Okay so I don't always feel sorry for him. When I think about it too much, and I get so mad that I can imagine clocking him in the jaw. Which would be as smart hitting my fist against a brick wall. 

Things are so crazy Doc. This is the only time I feel even slightly comfortable.

And that's only slightly. 

No offense Doc, but you were hired by them. And they are the ones that pay you. Even though I think your a professional and have ethics. It would be stupid of me totally let my guard down around you. Not after the stuff I've been through. 

No offense, but I know that if they really wanted they could find out what happens at these sessions. Or maybe you're secretly on they're payroll ( I mean besides the money they're already paying you), maybe you tape these sessions and sell them to the Xmen. 

Don't look at me that way Doc. I know that more than likely that's not how it is. But I've been hurt to many times to totally trust anybody. People tend to betray me. Its a unfair trend that has lasted most of my life. 

Ask me a question Doc, I don't feel like talking about my cynicisms anymore.

No I don't want to talk about Wolverine anymore either Doc. Why don't you ask normal questions, like how am I doing at school?

Well just so you know I am doing beautifully. My teachers just love me. I'm the prom queen.

Of course I'm being sarcastic. Everyone hates me, I'm that crazy chick that tried to off herself.

You know what Doc, suddenly I don't feel like talking anymore.

Session over.

*************

Stay tuned and find out more about Dameon and Jubilee's attempted suicide.


	5. Sessions 4

Sessions Part 4

Sessions Part 4

Author: Jozzy

Disclaimer: I own nothing, Marvel and a whole slew of people that are not me do.

Spoilers: After Zero Tolerance.

Rating: PG13 for language

Part 4

It wasn't that hard to get around the rules the Xmen had set for her. Especially since Jubilee no longer felt remorse about lying to them. She had to get out of the house. It had been several weeks since she had been able to step foot on the grounds without an escort, usually Wolverine or Gambit. But the Xmen made the same mistake twice. They settled. Once they had Jubilee back they had settled back into old routines. Routines that were the key to Jubilee's escape.

All she had had to do was wait. Jubilee knew the Xmen well enough, knew their weaknesses and faults, she had known that the time would come and she would be free again. So she had waited. Two months she had been back at the mansion. Two months she had seemingly complied to the Xmen's whims. For two months she had planned her escape.

It wouldn't be a long journey, she couldn't afford to leave the Xmen right now. She need the protection they afforded her. There were some really nasty people out looking for sweet, innocent Jubilee. People that wouldn't find her if she had anything to say about it. But she also needed to see some people. Her contacts had gone two months without her. Any longer and they just might stray.

It hadn't taken that much to escape the mansion and it's grounds. It wasn't hard to get past the locks on the front door, which the Xmen had changed when she had returned. Shutting down the security systems long enough for her to get across the lawns and to the gates. A bit of climbing, twenty feet at best. Then she had been outside, but not totally free. She had to wait, for the minute when the camera mounted on the gate passed her. Her outfit helped her blend into the shadows so that no one could see her at first glance, but if she moved anyone in the Control Room would have surely noticed. After she was clear of the camera it was only a half of a mile trek to the cab. Then she was gone.

************

"Jubilee, darling! Where have you been?"

Jubilee rolled her eyes. Dameon was a terrible liar. Trying to make his voice sound concerned, but Jubilee knew the truth. No one cared about her. Not really. They all wanted her to believe they did, but that was all a part of the game. And Jubilation Lee never lost.

Dameon owned a large club deep in the heart of New York. A fetish club to be exact. The kind of place the Xmen would never look for her. That's why it had been the perfect hide out. She had managed to stay in the city undetected by any of their physical sweeps down there. Until four months ago when business had called her to the surface.

" Cut the bullshit Dameon. I don't have the time. I just came to pick up some essentials."

Dameon laughed, "Poor Jay had to go back to the dark ages huh? How have you survived without your precious computers?"

"Not well. Now move I gotta get back before any of the guards notice I've escaped."

Dameon nodded, going from joking to serious in seconds. " But you'll be back right? You aren't ditching the project are you?"

Jubilee's eyes flared, " Of course not. I worked to hard on this shit. You can't get rid of me that easily. I'll just have to be more careful."

Reassured Dameon joked once more, " Its not like you weren't already paranoid, now your gonna go CIA on me."

She quirked an eyebrow, "The CIA? I'm _ much_ better than the CIA."

*********

It was ridiculously easy sneaking back into mansion. With the use of her very expensive hacking equipment and a direct satellite feed she was able to cause a power shortage over the house when she arrived at the gates. Using the time between the blackout and the back up power kicking in she was half way to the mansion when the safety defenses kicked in. Close enough for her plan.

When the Xmen arrived, fully suited up for battle, all they found was a very scared and confused Jubilee. She looked at them bewilderment in her eyes. It was obvious what had happened. She had been out for a walk, she had been taking a lot of them lately, and the power had gone out. She probably never even realized it. Not until she walked into a security zone, where all of the automated defenses were. When the back up power had kicked in she had been rained down on by all kinds of fire power and had been forced to take refuge and wait for the team to show up.

"Um, I'd like forgotten how seriously paranoid you people are. SO won't be making that mistake twice."

Scott sighed. " Jubilee your not supposed to be out here alone as it is. This was exactly what I was afraid of. You've been gone so long you've forgotten where all of the cannons and censors are. Something could have happened to you and we wouldn't have known."

Jubilee's eyes narrowed, " I am like SO very sorry Warden. I didn't think this was a prison and that I had to check with you before I like took a breath. Forgive me for my insolence." She stomped off towards the house.

Scott glared after the retreating figure." Logan go with her, make sure she doesn't go anywhere else she's not supposed to."

********

It was so easy to fool the Xmen, they were gullible. But Wolverine was different, not entirely an Xmen, not entirely foolish. He knew that she was faking it. Knew that she had not been out for a walk, because at the time of the power shortage he had been looking for her. He had tried to smell her out and had found nothing. Well not nothing, he had found her scent lingering by the front gate. But the trail was a familiar one to Jubilee now, she walked it every day. Probably walked it this morning, only this time she had gone a little farther.

Wolverine worried about Jubilee. She was different now, somewhere in the last year she had lost the innocence and inherent happiness that she normally exuded. She was now cold and calculating. Letting no one in past her walls. Not even her therapist, not really. 

He wondered what she had been through while they had been apart. Why she had smelled of alcohol and drugs and sex when they had found her. Why she held herself so differently. The distance and cold in her eyes so harsh and cutting. It was easier to defeat someone once you understand them. And the only way Jubilee would let anyone in is if they defeated her. Wolverine's path was set, defeat Jubilee then help her pick up the pieces.

Now all he had to do was figure out what she had been up to for the past year. It was something big, something that she had never slipped about. Something that had changed her, made her this paranoid creature who loomed in shadows, had made her him. And that's what he hated most of all, that sweet, lovable Jubilee had become twisted like he was, and someway, though he didn't know how yet, it was all his fault.

Jubilee had been the last untainted relationship in his life. She had loved him unconditionally, through all of the shit of his life, since they had met, Jubilee had been there. Had never been afraid of him. Never thought he was the monster that everyone else believed him to be. Now she hated him. A blind hatred that he ,before, had only known from Sabertooth. Wolverine had the distinct feeling that the only reason she didn't attack him was his healing factor. 

As they neared Jubilee's door the young girl turned on him, looking at him with a coldness that made his stomach heave. " You did your duty, get lost."

Wolverine moved towards her, "Jubilee..."

Jubilee slapped his hands away. Her eyes flaring, fire swirling within them. Insane rage masking her beautiful face. Hissing she backed away from him until her back hit the door.

"Don't touch me!!"

Placing his hands at his side, Wolverine bowed his head, not wanting look at her. God he hated this. Not being able to touch her, talk to her, be with her. The looks of righteous anger that crossed her face when he got to close or attempted to touch her. He hadn't touched her since she had been found. The first time he had seen her he had been so glad that she was alive and well he had grabbed her up into a fierce hug. Several minutes later, when the hug had ended and he had place her on the floor again, she had looked at him, then slapped him. Hard. He hadn't touched her since.

"I'm sorry darlin' I wasn't thinking. I..." Giving up on the words, which had failed him all his life he just shrugged and left.

Jubilee stood out side watching him go. His muscled back moving down the hallway towards his own room. When he had reached the door he turned back towards her, expecting to find a empty hall, but instead finding the small woman intensely staring at him. They stood there for a few moments looking at each other. A cold mask of hate on her face, and anguish radiating off his.

********

Jubilee stayed in her room for three hours, she didn't come out once in that time and allowed no one to enter her room either. In that time she managed to hook up her closet with all of her equipment and contact Dameon.

"I'm back."

"I am so glad. So tell me, how did you manage to sneak all of your things past the entire group?"

"It wasn't that hard, they aren't very observant when it comes to my activities."

Daemon chuckled, "And these are the superheroes that the world fawns over all the time? How sad."

"They're better at the heroics than at surveillance. That's my job." 

"I'll bet."

"Good-bye."

The phone went dead moments later when Daemon hung up. Jubilee pulled her headset off and stuffed into a shoebox next to the large suitcase that housed her laptop. Every thing was neatly hidden within a box or piece of luggage. It would be very frustrating and time consuming, having to plug and unplug all those cords when ever she needed to use her equipment but it was also worth it.

Jubilation Lee had things she needed to do, things that required state of the art, untraceable equipment and enough privacy to use it. Since the latter was not a given she would have to scrap it together on her own. 

The plan was simple Jubilee would set her body (which now woke up on command) to rise at 1:00 in the morning. She had a bed check at 12:30, right before everyone retired to their rooms. She would check her email then and get her assignments from that way. She would spend the rest of the night working on it and be in bed by 5:00, when the next bed check came. With two hours of sleep she would awake at 7:00 and go about her day per usual. She would start going to sleep earlier to make up the hours of sleep that would be missed. 

Everything had been planned out. Jubilee allowed no room for mistake. Which is why she was so damn good at her job.

***********

End Part 4


	6. Sessions 5

See parts 1

See parts 1-4 for disclaimers

Sessions part 5

I know they've been hitting you up for information on my progress. What did you tell them.

I'm do good?

HAH! So basically you lied to their faces.

Believe what you like but if this is the road to recovery it is one hell of a long haul.

Time is something I can't afford, Doc. I need the Cliff Notes version of therapy.

Because in about a year I'll be graduating and I'll be damned if I stick around after that.

Why do I want to leave? Doc, have you been listening to what I have said in these sessions?

I know that leaving wont solve all my problems. That's why I agreed to come here, so I could get some of my emotional shit out the way so when I leave this time I can deal better.

How have I been well let's see...I woke up screaming this morning...then at breakfast Jean told me all about this new healthy diet she wanted me to go on starting right then, no more Sugar Bombs for Jubilee. After that the team had a training session in the Danger Room which Scott forbid me from going to, because I was unstable, and he just had to do this in front of everyone.

Bastard.

Your damn right that makes me angry. **I'm **not stable enough to be part of the sessions, but Wolvie who if ever actually interviewed by any type of shrink would be put into a straight jacket and locked in a padded room, is fine to have around. That's bullshit. He doesn't want me in there because he doesn't trust me.

He doesn't trust me because he can't predict me. He doesn't trust Wolvie either but **Wolvie **is to essential to the team for him to do anything about.

Scott is so controlling, when he's not licking the professor's boots or following Jean around like a lovesick puppy dog. He hates it that everyone else doesn't run when he whistles. He thought he had me pegged and when I did something that he didn't predict he lost his control over me. He hates that.

Next Question.

Dameon? 

I mentioned him last session? Slip of the tongue.

Look the only thing you need to know about him is that he saved me.

I had been living on the streets for about two months, longer than it sounds. I needed money for food and I was just about desperate enough to do **anything **for it. Dameon saw the vultures sweeping in and saved me.

He kept me from doing things that I don't could have lived with afterwards. He saved me not just from the acts but my reactions as well.

He saved my life.

It doesn't matter how he did it Doc, that's none of your damn business. Just be glad that he did so that I could be here helping fund your posh living.

NO! Dameon and I did not have a relationship, he's gayer than fuck.

Besides I'm taken.

I'm taken Doc, its just that simple.

Someone's already claimed this heart, this body.

He just doesn't know it yet.

******

End Part 5


	7. Sessions 6

See parts 1

Disclaimers: See parts 1-5

Warning: Rated R for sexual allusions

Part 6

Something was going on with Jubilee. Wolverine knew that she had snuck out that day when the alarms had been triggered. He remembered the way she smelled when they had found her. Like cheap booze and sex. He couldn't smell anyone else on her so he was pretty sure that she had not been participating in the sex. But where ever she had been for those months she was gone, promiscuity was rampant.

After being slapped by the girl that he had come to realize he loved, Wolverine had gone to a small bar and gotten flat out drunk. No easy task because of his healing factor. It had taken him hours and lots of money to become drunk enough to forget his pain. He also managed to forget his promise to himself not to have anymore one night stands. When he had awoken the next morning he felt ten times worse than when he had left the mansion. He felt like he had cheated on Jubilee, the woman who less than twenty-four hours before had slapped him, hard.

Wolverine never hid the truth from himself, honesty was always best. That's why he could not pretend that he didn't know why Jubilee hated him. That he was to blame for all of her problems. She had been in love with him for years, and he had ignored her. Yeah they were friends, best I-would-do-anything-for-you friends; but that didn't change the fact that he had pushed away her love for all those years. Anyone who ever met the two knew that they loved each other. It was assumed by everyone that it was in a father-daughter way. Logan had spent hours , days, month, convincing himself that this was true. That those dreams he had of the young girl didn't mean anything.

His obsession with not being in love with Jubilee influenced a lot of his action. Especially when he would go off to Kitty. He and Jubilee would be getting really close and he would start feeling those tugs on his heart, so he'd go on a mission too far away and too dangerous for Jubes to follow. It never really helped, when he fell asleep she was there.

When she had disappeared Wolverine finally gave up. He could not fight his feelings anymore, not when they were plainly staring him in the face. You didn't feel that kind of pain for just anyone. He spent the first couple of months in a drunken stupor in Canada, leaving his cabin only to restock on booze. 

_It was approaching his third month in Canada when he admitted his feelings to himself for the first time. He had picked up some Redhead at the bar and was in the midst of 'showing her a good time'. That is he would have been if he could have gotten those images of Jubilee out of his head._

_The woman was, of course, enjoying her self' completely oblivious to the fact that Logan was really think about a young Asian body instead of her own. Logan knew it was wrong for him to be thinking these things about Jubilee. He had withstood doing so for years now. She was a child, a child with enough problems without having to add this to the list. _

_His body however had other plans. It had been two months since he had been with anyone. Ever since Jubilee had disappeared his thoughts had been else where. His sex starved body was making up for lost time, and his damn subconscious felt it necessary to remind him of who he would rather be spending time with. _

_This wasn't the first time that Logan had ever thought of Jubilee in a sexual manner. She was a very beautiful girl, and something about her never ending energy had always gotten to him. Before now though the images had always been blurry, just stray thought or dreams that he didn't really remember when the sun came up. But now ever thing was sharpened, he could see her, smell her, feel her skin._

_He wasn't thinking about screwing Jubilee while pounding into someone who's name he couldn't remember and wasn't sure he had ever known. He just wasn't. Why couldn't he have normal problems like a midlife crisis. No his problems were, I can't get close to anyone because a) they will more than likely die, b) I will ultimately screw it up and they'll hate me, c) even if we had something they would eventually get old and die; I won't. Now he got to add pedophile to his long list of flaws. _

_I_t wasn't just sex though, which probably the main difference with this relationship and every other one he had ever had. He loved Jubilee, she was so like him, they complimented each other well. He could talk to her about almost anything and she never judged him. She loved him (it always surprised him that she did) but she never pressured him about it. Not when she was dying to tell him that Jean was a loser and she was a much better girlfriend prospect. Not when he left her alone to go visit Mariko's grave every year.

Jubilation Lee had never been a little girl to him, not really. Sure he treated her as if she was on the surface, but when they were alone she was just one of the guys. She had all the good qualities of a girlfriend without the hassle of commitment. It had been so easy to use her as a substitute for a real relationship. 

Jubes always put on a mask of childishness which kept most people from getting close to her. However if you really knew her, as only Wolverine did, you knew she was actually more like a woman trapped in the body of a child. That was probably the reason his subconscious didn't see any problems dreaming of her in **that** way. To him, deep down, she wasn't a child, just a small woman.

Of course that didn't help his conscience from telling him what a pervert he was all day long. At night, in his dreams, he was at peace; but when he opened his eyes and reentered the world of the living, he felt the slam of reality. It didn't matter how he thought of Jubilee in his mind. The truth was that she wasn't even the legal age to vote, much less do the things in his dreams. She wasn't really a small woman, no she was a teenager (one that had seen too much for someone her age).

Logan managed to keep it all bundled inside of him, the entire time Jubilee was away. He had wanted to scream tat the Xmen for losing, the most precious thing in his long life. He wanted to hunt her down and make sure she never left again. He did none of those things because then everyone would have known his true feelings. 

He hadn't been able to help his reaction when he had first seen her again. IT had taken all that was in him not to close what little space that had between them and crush her lips with his own. He had settled for a hug. It nearly killed him when she had slapped. Not the pain, though it stung more than he thought it should have, physically he was fine. What had torn him in two was the look of anger, pain and hatred sweeping across Jubilee's face.

Logan had known from that point that what could have been would never be. 


	8. Sessions 7

Title: Sessions Part 7

Author: Jozzy 

see disclaimers in parts 1-5

Part 7

Why do you always have to bring him into this doc.

Dame and I were just friends. We hung out together, end of story.

Well I don't give a damn what they want to know. If the Xmen want to know what happened to me, let them have the balls to ask me.

Volatile, me? I can't even spell the word.

Don't I answer all your questions? Don't I participate? I write in that stupid notebook of yours every night. I do my school work. I stay out of trouble. Is it so much to ask that I don't have to talk about this one little thing?

I just don't want to talk about it.

Look I know how they are. If they find out about Dame, they'll track him down. And in some misguided attempt to revenge my honor or whatever, probably hurt him severely.

I didn't say that he did anything wrong doc. I said they would think he had.

No! Dame never took advantage of me. Besides like I told you before he's gay.

Dame was my friend. When I needed somebody and the rest of the world had left me to die, he was there.

I didn't mean anything buy it doc. You read to much into shit.

It is not a defense mechi...maka...mechanism.

Look I was out of money and out of food. Pick pocketing isn't easy, especially in New York. Everyone is hypersensitive to their money. I needed cash. I don't have that many talents. So I was going to...do what I needed to do.

I was gong to hook, there are you happy! I said it. I was going to sell my body to some greasy guys with things for little girls. But I met Dame instead. He took me in and cleaned me up. It was the first time in like ever that some one treated me like a human being.

No I didn't live with him doc. Not the entire time I was gone anyway. He got me back on my feet, gave me a job, somewhere to live.

I was a waitress slash bartender at this club he owned.

Yeah the one where they found me.

I just waited tables doc, nothing else.

No. I mean we were still friends, but he had a business to run. And I was pretty paranoid. We saw each other for about two or three hours a day. We talked and everything, but I never got to know him really well. Hell I don't even know his last name.

Doc I had just run away from home, I wasn't looking to form any emotional bonds. I just wanted to have a friend.

A friend is someone who will listen to you bitch for hours about stuff that doesn't really matters.

No I guess I don't. But then friendship is a highly misunderstood concept these days.

I used to have a friend in the X. But he, just like everyone else, turned his back on me.

They forgot me and I forgot them. If their need to save any and every thing that moves hadn't gotten the better of them I'd still be out their.

Freedom. I got my freedom.

No one there knew me, they still don't. Everyone had this idea of who I was. When I met Dame, he had no expectations of me. I could be myself around him. He gave me the tools to find who that person underneath my skin really was. Something no one ever did for me before that.

Its different with the team doc. They all have this ideal of humanity, its what they fight and sometimes die for. But they can't see that the world isn't like they want it to be. That some things don't fit exactly into their hope for the new world.

I don't fit doc. That's why everyone ignored me. I was the ideal superhero. I was wild and I made mistakes and I didn't follow orders. I wasn't what they were trying to mold me into. So they dumped me as far away from their eyes as possible and let other people handle me.

That's never going to go away doc. I'll never be Jean or even Rouge. I'll never be what they want me to be. And soon they wont want to be reminded of 'the one that went astray' and they'll send me away.

I don't delude myself doc. You shouldn't either.


	9. Sessions 8

Sessions Part 8

Author: Jozzy

Rating: PG (Wolverine drinks)

Pairing: W/J

Summary: Conclusion to Sessions

Part 8

He was no longer allowed to take Jubilee to her sessions.

When they fount out that sometimes he listened in, everyone was furious. Because he knew more than they did.

He couldn't help it though, he thirsted for knowledge about this woman.

Woman...no longer a girl. Developing hips and breasts.

He wanted to know everything.

Especially about that Daemon punk. He hated that guy.

At first he hated him for convincing his little Jubilee that he was the bad guy. But then during one session, when he had listened, his hate had morphed. Now he hated him for being what he himself could not be, had not been to, Jubilee.

**************

They went out. Together.

It was the first time in forever. They took the jeep because Jubilee did not want to have to hold on to Logan at the back of his bike.

She had wanted to see the bar again. It was more home to her than most places in New York. More than the mansion ever was.

She didn't remember the first time she had been to the Harry's. Just that she had been going there forever.

They had played pool. Jubilee won a hundred bucks of of Logan. He was shocked.

She had chocolate milk...still to young to drink.

He had ten beers.

After the sixth he had begun to call her Darlin'.

After ten he had tried to dance with her.

She started a bar fight and they had to rush back to the mansion. Out run the police. Jubilee had driven them. Logan turned on the radio, loud. Onto a country station filled with anger and broken hearts.

He walked her to her door. They stood in front of it for a while. Then she had entered without saying good night.

He stooped beside the door, head bowed. Pulled out a cigar and settled in for the night. 

He would wait for his good night.

***********

End 


End file.
